if i can run in heels then i can drive
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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