Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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