1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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