New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
