he referred to my room as the tit cave...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
