i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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