I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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