take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
