You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
