I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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