god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
