mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize