Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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