She just used a chaser for red wine.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
