I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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