I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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