new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my vag is so smooth its legendary
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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