you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
