I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
love makes seman taste better
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
