i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
