What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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