Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
