My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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