can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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