i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
