i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize