I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
