he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
