oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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