Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
