My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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