Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
