did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
