I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
