yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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