Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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