Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had to cum in my sink.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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