I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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