he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
