Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
