Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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