Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
