Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
