Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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