you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
