i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
