I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
