Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
