john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
