New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
MIDGETS
????
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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