I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
