I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
