either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just pee around me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
