i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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