I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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