yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
