Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
