saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
