I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
