shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
