at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize