You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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