tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
