I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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