I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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