Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
