Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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